A few months ago I wrote a blog about my unknown journey with depression. I have now decided to write a follow up to that blog and write an update and tell of my outcome. The last thing I wrote was that I was having counselling sessions. That was 6 months ago. 6 months ago I was having counselling, off work and down in the dumps.
My reason for wanting to write another blog is to let people know that there really really really is light at the end of a tunnel. No matter how dark it is. Lets rewind to may 2012.........
May/June 2012
I was having counselling sessions with the aim to get back the old me. I kept thinking this is going to be a heck of a challenge as things got so bad I didn't think the old me existed. I had been signed off work by my gp which meant I had all the time in the world to sleep, I was on anti depressants, surely things can't get worse than this??? I was relying on anti depressants to make me feel happy but in reality I felt they made me worse. I would go out shopping people looking at me and I would wonder why they were looking at me. I would sleep all day and be awake all night (well most of the night). My house was a tip and I mean a TIP plates pots and pans would stay in the sink till I could be bothered to wash them. I decided I didn't want to live like this I really needed to find the old me again. Somewhere somehow I had well and truly lost myself. My counsellor told me to think of the things that represent me.......that was an easy answer Clothes shopping, music and most bizarrely heels yes that's right heels. I love wearing heels. I had actually figured out that I hadn't worn heels for a very long time. If ur a lady reading this I'm sure you will understand me when I say that heels makes a lady feel like a lady....... That's me! A lady. Anyway I started to wear my heels again started listening to music again and the most important one......I started to talking to my friends again. My counsellor asked if I had friends and I said no. I was wrong! I have a good handful of friends two in particular. My best friends who I've known for over 10 years but because I had lost myself I had lost where my friends were. I opened my heart to both my besties. Charlene and Candice and guess what.........I started to feel better I remembered that friends are for listening and that's exactly what they did. To be honest I don't think I would have made it without them. Especially Charlene. Anyway I'll come to that bit later on.
Whilst having counselling sessions I decided to start applying for jobs. One of the reason I was down in the dumps was because of the problems I had in my job. I applied for 10 jobs was shortlisted for 7 (not bad!) unfortunately I didn't go to the 1st interview. I arrived on time but then decided to sit in my car have a cry and go back home. The thought of walking into a room of people I didn't know terrified me. So I went home there was no way on this earth I would be able to put on a good impression and most importantly how was I going to smile??? I was determined to get a new job before I went back to work. I needed a fresh start on a clean slate. I got to interview number 4. I was successful! I'd been offered the job I was over the moon. I could see a tiny light at the end of the tunnel! Or could I???
July 2012
On the 30th July I returned to work and guess what? I was down again. My tears had returned, my stress got even greater and my sadness got sadder. I thought I was on the road to recovery..... Guess I still had a long way to go. I had been at work about a couple of weeks. I rang in sick. I wasn't really sick I was just petrified of getting something wrong, petrified of what my manager would say. Another week went by and would ring in sick again. It was clear that I just wasn't happy. I had given in my notice so I only had one month to go but that one month was the longest month ever. I had annual leave 3 weeks before I was due to leave and guess what.....I never went back! By this point I had decided to come off my anti depressants. They were making me extra tired and I didn't feel they were doing anything for me. I still felt sad. I can Honestly say i felt better coming off them. Maybe i didn't need them! who knows!
The time had come for me to start my new job. I was excited but of course as you can imagine I was petrified. Petrified that history would repeat itself. My new manager was lovely but then again so was my other manager. She told me not to worry about anything and if I had any problems she would be there to solve them. My old manager never told me that! I am now 7 weeks into my job and I absolutely love it. I get to see my son everyday before and after each shift. Of course he still doesn't like me going to work and I don't like leaving him but it has to be done!
6 months after my dark lonely days the outcome is this:-
- I'm 1,000,000% more happy
- I'm back in my heels
- I'm back to spending money on clothes shoes food (i lost a stone in weight!) and anything I saw and liked!
- I'm interacting more with my son, we go EVERYWHERE!
- I know who my friends are (Charlene and Candice have been simply the best. I don't think I could live without them. Thank you girlies for both listening!)
Although we are very good friends we don't see each other much but one thing I have learnt is that they are just a phone call away
- I've been reunited with my beloved music. Music makes me happy. Happy to the point where I'm dancing round the house with the Hoover and my son has to tell me to shut up!
-I'm starting to go out more. candle parties seem to be all I think about lately. I have a love for candles as do Charlene and Candice. Never put us in a room with a party lite catalogue. The consequences are not good!
The most important one is I can finally say I love my job! I get up for work all excited wondering who will be walking through the doors (is it normal to be excited about going to work???)
Unfortunately I never actually completed my counselling sessions. I think I had just one more to go but just never quite made it in. I never got the opportunity to thank her for just simply listening and helping me find the old me. Hopefully one day I will surprise her and thank her properly. I often wonder what would have happened if I never referred myself for counselling.....to be honest let's not go there. For now I'm in a good place, I have a beautiful son, my career is now sailing and I have good friends around me........what more could I want
I almost forgot to say......remember that light at the of the tunnel??? I can see it. I told you there was light at the end of the tunnel didn't I. I guess what I'm trying to say is that with the right help, support, and friends things get better and the future is bright. :-)
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