Before I became a mum I always thought that as soon as your babies
born you have an automatic strong bond and connection with them. I thought it
was chemical like when a father see there child for the first time. Maybe for
most mums it is. For me it wasn’t this is something I felt ashamed about.
8 weeks before I fell pregnant with baby peacock I suffered
a miscarriage at 8 weeks. I became pregnant through being ill over the Christmas
period and lots of antibiotic stopping my mini pill from working. Even though
the pregnancy was unplanned I was still welcomed news me and daddy peacock Had finally
got married 5 months before after 7 years together, 5 of which we were engaged.
I found out I was pregnant while I was at work. My friend
who also worked at the same shop as me told me she thought she might be
pregnant, when she was listing all her symptoms alarm bells rang so on my lunch
I took a test. I was positive. I did a little dance in the staff room. When I told
daddy peacock he was over the moon. This is what he wanted. Everything felt
perfect.
The following day all excited I went to the doctors. By my calculations
I was around 6 weeks pregnant. During her routine examinations he noticed some
fluid on the right side of my lower abdomen. When she pressed it, it felt
tender. She sent me to the hospital straight away for a scan. The entire scan
showed was fluid round my fallopian tube. They thought I was having an eptopic pregnancy.
Every 2 days I had to go to the hospital to have blood test done to see if my HCG
levels were doubling. They were rising but not doubling. After a week I had
another scan this time they found the foetus in my womb starting to imbed as
they described it to us. We seen the tiny little peanut shaped blob and felt relived.
The doctor sent me home to rest and told us that everything seemed fine.
2days later I had a bleed, I rushed to hospital were they
told me there’s nothing they can really do. They said my cervix was still
closed so they couldn’t tell me much. I had to go away for a few days and come
back for a blood test. 4 days later I had my bloods done and almost all the hcg
had left my body. Where had my perfect dream gone this wasn’t supposed to happen?
I felt a failure, like I had let
everyone down, my husband, my parent and in laws and myself.
12 weeks later I found out I was pregnant again. We wasn’t trying
it just happed. We were so happy but cautious. Luckily this time was meant to
be. We were over the moon are dreams were back on track.
While carrying baby
peacock I felt so much love and affection for this amazing life I could feel
growing inside of me. I couldn’t wait to meet my baby. I, like all other mums envisioned
this perfect montage scene, like what
you see in the movies where you have the baby looking amazing, there’s the romantic music in the background
and the connection is clearly there and visible. I know this isn’t real life but I loved being pregnant,
I loved how my husband treated me like I was a china doll everything was
perfect so why would I expect anything different to when baby peacock finally
arrived.
Baby peacock arrived into the world in a dramatic way. I had
to have an emergency section and he was poorly so had to be transferred to
another hospital for specialist care. I missed out on all that early bonding. I
couldn’t hold my baby until he was 5 days old. Even after that I was under the
careful eyes of the midwives. I felt like I could be a proper mum.
All of the above I think contributed to me not being able to
bond with baby peacock properly. I think due to all that had happened I was
scared and this affected the link, the connection between us. I also this that
pnd played a part as well.
I always felt that baby peacock never really liked me, that
he preferred daddy peacock to me. I never felt that connection I thought I was meant
to feel. I put it down to pnd and depression. I asked the doctors to be referred
to a councillor to help me deal with this. Unfortunately I was lost in the NHS
system and never seen that councillor.
I felt a failure as a mother. I was ashamed of myself jealous
of other mums. I couldn’t understand why me and baby peacock didn’t have a
connection. I took him to mother and baby groups. I read to him, played with
him. We did everything together. I loved him so much I could burst. I hated
leaving him so much so that he never stayed out at nanna daydreams if me and
daddy peacock went out for the night nanna daydream would stay here and we
would be back early. Sad I know but that’s how much I wanted to be with my
baby.
This carried on until very recently. When baby peacock was
14months old I felt it, the connection, that missing link. After residing to
the fact that this was how it was going to be I felt it. I can’t describe it
really, but it does feel amazing it’s magnetic and gets stronger by the day. Baby
peacock is now 18months old and were like best buds im definitely his favourite
at the moment.
The reason why I wrote this was I was recently thinking
about this and what’s changed and why this connection has and bond took so long
to develop. The only answer I have for it is depression. i think after
everything that’s happened in the past 2 years I out up a barrier, that mixed
with depression caused me to not allow myself to bond with baby peacock. Now I finally
have this wicked illness under control and im getting better and stronger every
day it’s allowed me to be me again. It also made me realise that the bond and
connection was probably there all along. I just couldn’t see it before.
The reason why I wrote this blog was to help other pnd and
depression suffers knows they are not alone. At the beginning of this blog I wrote
that I felt ashamed that I didn’t have a connection with baby peacock. That’s how
I did feel, now im on the other side of it all and I can stand back and see
what an amazing little boy I have. He is a little star and that’s because of
me. I know im a good mum, I don’t feel a failure anymore but I also I know that
in some of your darkest days you can’t see that but trust me with the right
help the future brighter.
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