I thought I was being silly and selfish, I had everything I could wish for an amazing loving husband, a healthy beautiful baby boy and supportive family not to mention material things that were "supposed" to make you happy. I thought I just needed to give my head a wobble , I thought about what others thought of me of how stupid I was being crying all the time, staring into space, shutting out the world including my beautiful family.
Eventually it took people who were not so close to me to tell me I needed help, I thought I was hiding it so well, I thought it was only me who could see. It was that shock that made me realise I needed to go and get help. Before I did I spoke to my amazing husband he could see I needed help but didn't know how to tell me. Another huge push to get me to go and seek help.
In the doctors I wanted to stay strong but as soon as I looked at her I cried and cried telling her how pathetic I was being, telling her im so selfish. The emotions just poured out of me and I have to say it was a relief to say my thoughts out loud.
The doctor put things in perspective for me explaining exactly what depression is. It was NOT my fault I had it, it wouldn't just disappear if I gave my head a wobble and I wouldn't be suddenly cured if I simply got a grip. These are all the expression I've heard associated with depression and to be honest all I really knew..... No wonder I was so hard on myself if this was all the knowledge I had and many others too.
After medication and support I finally started being me again, I lost me for a long time it was hard, it was a struggle but I got though it and i have I say I am proud of myself. I've had to re educate myself on depression and others round me too. There is such a taboo about depression and I think that is part of the battle for people suffering because they don't know if they are, what to do and like me think there selfish and need to give there head a wobble simply because we are not knowledgable enough and people just put it down to being a bit down. I have had to teach my self the difference between feeling depressed and just being a bit down, there is a huge difference and I'm lucky enough to be able to help and manage these feelings now.
a year on and I can say the dark clouds have definitely lifted, I'm enjoying being a mummy again, a wife again and I can see the bright days ahead. I'm attempting to lose weight and exercise to which I'm just doing the Hokey Cokey with but hey that's
Fine because I'm happy. I'm enjoying all the things I loved before reading, doing my hair, make up and nails. going for long walks with my little family and planning ahead for the future. All things I stopped doing while suffering with depression. I just wanted to sleep or sit on the sofa and not move or be bothered.
Blogging has been a huge part of my journey, I wanted to get my story and opinions of depression out there. I wanted to make people more aware and change the way it is perceive especially as I was guilty of thinking it was self induced and not an actual illness like it is. I am also happy that my blog has actually helped people after reading my journey they realised they were suffering too and took steps in getting help. Its even more amazing that like me they have reached the other side and have even guessed blogged about there journey.
Depression is hard as it is without small minded and unknowable people passing judgement. I was lucky mine was only mild compared to others. the doctor put it in perspective for me and my depression as it was linked to my post natal depression she said you wouldn't blame a person suffering with diabetes for not producing enough insulin so why would you blame a person suffering with depression for not producing enough
"Happy hormones". This has always stuck with my and when I hear people dismissing depression I always tell them this........ It certainly makes them think!!!!
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