Guest blog about depression

This blog was wrote anonymously by a friend who has been dealing with depression for many years without realising. In this blog she is open, honest and frank about her battle with depression. Even though it still early days I'm so proud that she facing this head on. Thank you for sharing your story.


For the past month or so I have been reading blogs about depression. At first I was a bit apprehensive about sharing my story but then I realised that if I share my story maybe it would bring an awareness about depression and ways in which it affect people. I have been suffering from depression for approximately 2 months or possibly a lot longer. I am now feeling brave and would like to share my story.

On the 30th may 2012 my whole world came crashing down. 'you are suffering from depression' these were the words that I will never forgot my G.P telling me. Just hours before that I had a breakdown in front of my manager. Little did I know that my journey of battling depression had well and truly begun.

As I sat in the G.P's office all sorts was running through my mind. I remember thinking I have a beautiful son, a fantastic job and almost every luxury any human would want. How could I have possibly have ended up in this state?

I was waiting for the doctor to ask me how I felt was on my mind or even ask me if I knew what depression is but he never. He just simply told me I was suffering from depression gave me a prescription for some happy pills and sent me on my way......I found this shocking. It was at this stage that I bumped into blogs about depression and I realised I was not on my own and depression is not actually something to be ashamed about. It is to be talked about.

So, I'd been to my G.P and been prescribed happy pills. I had no idea what to do next. So for the next 4 weeks I slept through the days, hardly ate anything lost pride in myself and my home and on top of that I would try and act normal around my family especially my mum. I hadn't told her that I been having problems at work and that I'm now on happy pills I just carried on as normal.

I'd now been off work for 4 weeks still sleeping my days away I'd lost one stone in weight my house was a mess and I just didn't care. I'd even given up on the happy pills as I wasn't feeling happy in them. I woke up one morning and decided enough was enough this person that is living this way is not me and I decided that I needed proper professional help, someone who is willing to sit and listen to me waffle on so I took up the courage and referred myself to occupation health for counselling sessions. Yes I felt ashamed but I really needed help.

The day of the session arrived I was very nervous not knowing if I was doing the right thing, to be honest I felt very stupid and a loser. I had no idea what I was going to say to this counsellor as I has no idea what my main reason was for being depressed. So I went in to her office, she was very kind and very approachable. She asked me what the problem was she listened. I felt relieved that someone is actually listening to me it felt like id known her a lifetime.

I thought that my original problem was my job. I was wrong. The problems I was having at work was actually the final straw. After talking a few minutes with the counsellor I related back to 5 years earlier in 2007. On the 3rd January I had given birth to my son. 20 days after my son was born I'd lost my nan who I was very close too. Looking back now I was dealing with being a new parent and I was grieving for my nan at the same time. Why hadn't I noticed the change in me then? Thats the question I am now asking myself. I found it difficult to adjust to motherhood I had no idea that being a mother was hard I just carried on as I thought it was normal to feel that way. I was only 22 I knew no different. So, as well as struggling with motherhood, grieving for my nan I was having relationship problems. I'd split from my sons dad, on top of all of that in the September of that year I decided to embark on a big career change and train to become a nurse. I spent the next 4 years studying, still grieving and still struggling with motherhood. Surely I would have felt some kind of difference in me? NO I carried on. By this time it was 2011, I finished my studying qualified as a nurse but then I wasn't lucky enough to get a job. At this point my finance situation was at its worst I had to turn to state benefits to survive. £110 a week was all I got. £110 to pay my car insurance buy food, gas and electric. I guess this was the point that I started to feel the stress coming but still I hadn't thought to do something about it. I carried on. It took 60 job applications before I was offered the job I'm in now. A band 5 staff nurse. I was happy elated u name it that was me. Id even met a gorgeous new guy everything was perfect. Then one day about 2 months into my job a colleague had put a complaint to the manager about me. I started to fall backwards. My performance started to lack. Complaint after complaint after complaint. My confidence was lacking and to make things even worse this gorgeous new fella i was with had ended the relationship I stopped eating starting sleeping more, didn't really care about my job. My manager was still moaning as she still wasn't happy with my performance until it all got to the point where I broke down and i simply told her I just cannot carry on. I had no idea how long I cried for. But I cried a waterfall.

After explaining all this to the counsellor she said if I had noticed the change in me a year ago none of these things would have happened she asked me what I wanted to gain out of the session. The answer to that was simple...........I wanted to get me back I want to find myself again and start smiling again. Somehow somewhere in the last 5 years I had lost myself and I just had no idea. It's now time to find me and live life to the full. Just like the good old days. The trouble is how do I find me? I guess that's going to be my road to recovery.........